Salah Sejarah Bukit Kepong

Chegu: Mydin? Mydin?!
Saya: Mydin tengah kat toilet chegu.
Chegu: Apa pasal? Kan dah bagi tahu masa chegu bagi markah Tawarikh, tak boleh mana-mana murid keluar dari kelas? Saya mahu rotan siapa yang dapat D dalam subjek saya.
Saya: Dia tahu chegu. Itu pasal dia keluar.
Chegu: Kim Bock?
Kim Bock: Gua!
Chegu: Eh! Lu sangka ini sekolah cina kah? Jangan cakap gua. Cakap wa.
*kelas ketawa manis-manis masam
Chegu: Kim Bock .. lu dapat A. Tahniah!
Chegu: Daniel?
Saya: Saya chegu!
Chegu: Aiya, lu ini, apa pasal dapat C? Lagi sikit saya mahu kasi D. Nasib baik awak jawab sejarah Bukit Kepong betul.
Saya: Saya ada baca mah.
Mydin: Chegu, saya sudah balik kelas. Amacam? Markah saya ok?
Chegu: Oh... lu lari ya?
Mydin: Tak chegu. Saya pendatang, bukan pelarian. Macamana markah Sejarah saya? Ada A?
Chegu: A kepala hotak kau. D lah! Mari sini, kasi saya rotan.
Mydin: Ayoyo. Mana boleh D chegu. Kasi ubah lah A.
Chegu: Itu sejarah kepong apa pasal lu jawab siapa wira negara, lu tanda itu komunis?
Mydin: Tak saya tak tanda komunis. Saya potong komunis dan ganti dengan label 'salah british"
Chegu: Hello. Kita punya peperiksaan soalan objektif lah. Tanda A B C D atau E, mana boleh conteng-conteng. Lu sangka ini kertas undi pilihanraya kah?
Mydin: Tak chegu. Datuk saya dulu bawah British India, ada bilang. Itu British yang tulis buku sejarah kita. Gandhi itu pejuang kemerdekaan mereka kata penganas.
Chegu: Nanti saya lesing kan baru tahu. Ini Malaysia dia pergi bawa Sejarah Datok dia. Apa? Lu sangka ini negara Datuk lu punya?
Mydin: Memang chegu. Parameswara itu Hindu asalnya. Nama sebenarnya Param s/o Wara.
Chegu: Ok, sekarang lu mau dapat E?
Mydin: Tak chegu. Saya mahu dapat A.
Chegu: Sorry sudah lambat. Cuba tahun depan. Kalau tidak jangan harap jadi sejarahwan atau peguam.
Mydin: Saya memang tak ingin jadi sejarahwan chegu. Saya mau jadi tokoh perniagaan.
Saya: Ala.. matematik pun D mana boleh kira wang nanti?
Mydin: Mau buat wang tak perlu kira. Penting kasi harga paling rendah.

Bala's Third SD

Bala: Morning Commissioner of Oaths
COO:Morning kawan lama! I know you come back one. Hehe.. here.. Yam Char. I pour you Chinese tea.
Bala: Wah, thanks.. this is a good break from English Darjeeling Tea. But i prefer teh tarik if you don't mind.
COO: Ok, i tarik for you. Hah... Here, Chinese tarik tea.
Bala: Like this ok kah? My SD to explain which SD is real or not.
COO: Hmm.. let me see. Soo.. you saying here that this SD is final one? Aiyah.. like that where nice? I make money for chopping SDs mah. Don't lah make final!
Bala: I see your point. Ok, ok, i strike out the word final. But actually everytime i want to make final there will always be someone to offer me money. So i think you need not worry for long.
COO: I do worry. Last 2 SDs you only pay me half.
Bala: Ok now i pay in advance. I got some more cash since the last time mah.
COO: Toceh, toceh... have some roti canais.
Bala: So you see, my 3rd SD here is giving good solution to the first 2. It says here if you believe the first 1 then cross the checkbox here. If you believe the 2nd one you cross this box here. Afterwards we announce the results, can get rich quickly one.
COO: Smart... very smart.. like this no need to ask for gambling license. But cannot tell me ah, which one actually real?
Bala: Ahyoo, how can tell. If Chuin Poh then cannot cari makanlah. As long as no one know which 4D number i mean SD comes out, people still buy mah.
COO: Correct, correct! I also same. As long as people want to keep swearing that they are not lying, i also get money. But i want to ask you ah. How come you make so much money from the 2nd one you still want to start a 3rd one?
Bala: Aiyah.. you don't read MT meh? I ask for 5 million, only got 750 thousand. Rugi alot lah.
COO: Ooh.. so that guy cheated you lah?
Bala: Yep, if Ling can cheat whole Cabinet, who am I? You see or not? That guy promise can get the 5 million so i faster take the deposit and wait for the rest.
COO: Yalah, always same one. Cannot trust brokers today. I seen it all. Don't care if the broker is PM's son lah, PM's mother lah.
Bala: In this case it was the PM's brother himself.
COO: Thats what i said. Don't care even if its the Agong's mother. But Bala ah, so your first SD, that one you say this guy got the girl from this guy and do all that true or not?
Bala: I try to tell same story. But police got no bank account. Then i tell to Anwar. He got bank account but no money.
COO: So true or not?
Bala: Aiyah.. think lah. Where got people take other people's girlfriend? Already 2nd hand one. That guy more hensem than Saiful mah. And got Russian and French girls some more. Which one you choose? You still want Mongolian ah?
COO: True, true, i will choose Japanese. But how come your first story is consistent? In Balai same, and in first SD also same?
Bala: That is what you call Pro lah bro. I am professional mah. I know sure the bank account come rolling one. Working so long already when got chance like this? Very big fish you know. I waiting, waiting for him to be PM i thought money sure rolling in. RMK 10 come out that day did not mention budget to pay off SD.
COO: Yalah. I also same. In wrong profession.
Bala: You are ok. People lie, you get money. People don't want to lie also you get money. Luckily you not take policeman job. Have to wake up early-early and shoot on demand.
COO: Hmm.. so your story got good hook one. No wonder you make it really Aoutah. So many people believe you now. Just like the movie Inception.
Bala: Got new movie ah? Aiya which Cinema playing? I been hiding so long i did not know got such movie.
COO: Aiyah. no worry. I got pirated DVD mah. Wait i call my son to look for you. Ah Meng! Loh koh cek DVD chut leh.. Yau panyau oi tai. Faiteee.

Farah Azlina dan Saiful Bukhari

Farah: Darling, darling...
Saiful: Ya.. sayang.. apasal manja ni?
Farah: Takde la.. tadi kita takde chan jeling-jeling.. abang macam serius je.. tanak pandang langsung
Saiful: Oh. tak.. abang risau itu Anwar.. dia pun jeling-jeling sama abang. Kenela abang lawan jeling balik.
Farah: Oh yeke? Farah sangka Anwar jeling sama Farah.
Saiful: Apa?! Patutla Anwar jeling semacam je tadi. Rupa-rupanya dia jeling kat abang sama Farah, macam bagi signal tadi. Hmm.. agak-agaknya dia dah tau perhubungan sulit kita?
Farah: Ala.. dia lelaki jua.. bukan abang seorang je.. lagipun keje Farah ni glamour.. DeePeePeee. Takkan la abang jeles kot... hehe.
Saiful: Yala.. itula sebabnya abang tertarik jua... bangga juga abang dapat DPP.. sanggup abang buang kekasih lama.
Farah: Buang Anwar?
Saiful: Ish.. Anwar pula? Takkan orang tua abang minat. Mestila nak yang muda.
Farah: Pompuan lain bang.. pompuan tak kisah.. tua ke.. asal ade pangkat.. ade kuasa.. tapi abang ni hensem.. geram la.
Saiful: Taupun abang hensem. Masa kat Masjid ade nampak? Pakai kain sampin.. songkok..
Farah: Alamak!
Saiful: Ah? Apa pasal? Apa surat tu yang?
Farah: Farah kena pecat la.
Saiful: Siapa? Siapa yang pecat Farah? Cakap! Nanti abang jumpa Najib.
Farah: Boss Farahla.. dia kata.. ade agen Anwar sudah tangkap gambar kita. Sudah passing kat RPK kat London. Ish.. benci Farah kat Internet.. laju sangat orang tangkap kita.
Saiful: Ahh.. RPK tu bukan boleh percaya. Nazri kata 40% betul je.
Farah: Yala.. tapi boss Farah hari tu suruh Farah tone down, tapi Farah tanak.. Farah kan tengah seronok bercinta.
Saiful: Betul juga tu Farah. Mana abang leh tahan. Duk dekat-dekat DPP macam Farah. Hari-hari pula tu. Ah.. harap-harap kes ini berjalan lama.
Farah: Sekarang apa kita nak buat? Boleh tak abang pegi sumpah lagi?
Saiful: Takkan la nak sumpah kita takde apa-apa berhubungan. Nanti Imam masjid fedup. Asyik muka ini lagi.
Farah: Bukan bang. Bukan tu maksud Farah. Maksud Farah, kita pergi depan Qadi sumpah bercinta supaya kita kahwin cepat-cepat.
Saiful: Hmm.. er.. boleh.. boleh.. tapi.. kena tunggu doktor check dulu. Abang tak mandi 2 tahun ni. Lepas dah sah DNA abang baru leh ya yang? hehe.. Macam tak caya pula abang. Cakk!

Ling Liong Sik

Hakim: Hello? Mengapa tak jawab?
Ling:Wa? Lu cakap sama wa?
Hakim:Yalah.. lu.. i mean you! Yes. What do you plead to this charge of cheating the whole Cabinet of the Government of Malaysia?
Ling: Ohh.. I thought you referring the question to my ex-boss. Er.. can you ask my ex-boss?
Hakim: Aiya.. wa lesing sekali ah.. i mean.. do you understand proseedoor or not? Now you are here, you answer. Tomorrow if that mamak here, then he answer. You do not answer for him. Aiya.. chee seen one!
Ling: Ah.. ok.. ok.. no problem bro.. i mean Yang Arif. I answer.. you wait a while i think..
Hakim: Faster la.. i have to leave shortly to kutip sewa.. you think i got only one shophouse ah?
Ling: Actually i got more..
Hakim: Hello! You want me to charge you for contempt of court?!
Ling: Sabar.. calm down.. i admit, i cheated people.. but not that much what. Samy even more. My ex-boss no need to say la.. he even smarter. He uses all people names. So no one dare to expose cos afterwards expose sendiri also. I stupid go and use my own name alone.
Hakim: You stupid i agree. Ok.. mitigation.. what you want to mitigate? Quickly, Fai Teee.. aiya.. so slow one.
Ling: As i said Yang Arif. Only few sen per square feet. Maybe i did not use the calculator properly. You know la i long time not working as doctor.
Hakim: Enough.. so you admit yah? Ok.. i now mete out your jail sentence. Hmm... wait ah.. i calculating each square foot. Ok... you go to jail 20 years.
Ling: Waaa.. 20 years ah?? How come same like Anwar Ibrahim one?
Hakim: Woi.. hello... now i judge or you judge?
Ling: How come no jury one here? Cannot be like USA? Then got reality drama...
Hakim: Woi Ah Chong! You don't make me Four Kuang (boil fire) ok?
Ling: Ok, ok.. i appeal
Hakim: Of course la you can appeal. You think what. We so zalim one ah? We got law mah.
Ling: Usually appeal can reduce how much?
Hakim: Depends how much you repay.. i mean how much you repent.
Ling: Oh.. hehe.. i can repent alot Yang Arif. Also another thing i ask you ah.. you see i got take kuai mui party-party like gila or not? You see i got touch-touch DPP or not? You see i got take kepala lembu and drag or not? See? I very civil minded and well-behaved. So, i should not get fine more than RM1,000.
Hakim: How i know you not do? Your house got camera ah?
Ling: You see Malaysia-Today where got about me?
Hakim: I don't read blog. I read Utusan la. So i won't know much la. Ok.. i trust you.. you see the DPP afterwards. I know you don't touch one. But please offer bit more ah. Cmon la.. you olang ah.. makan bosak-bosak.. we hakim got what?
Ling: KauTim! Toceh-toceh.. darling.. please.. say toceh to the good hakim. Both of you too (pointing to sons).